Seaton: A 2022 Love Ritual

Hello all! Hunting Guy hit last week and rattled when I pointed out one of the other rabid feelings of outlaw writing: magic. So this week I will try to start your new year with a dose of love, good luck, or whatever else you might need!

You’re about to experience Woody Aragon’s “Love Ritual”*, which many magicians, including Ben, Teller and myself, have used over and over in shows to great effect. If you follow all my instructions, you will have a magical piece that you can do in your home and bring you good luck or make you lucky in love in 2022.

Trust me. I’m a crazy middle-aged man on the Internet selling you a magical love ritual. How much will this need in 2022?

Anyway, let’s start by getting some playing cards. You’ll want an old deck, because you’ll smash these cards before you’re done. Or you’ll want to get a cheap assortment, because you’re going to break some leaves. Hey, no one ever said love came easy!

So first, take four cards from the deck that you don’t mind tearing up. Make sure the cards have different faces, but the same backs.

Now shuffle the four cards, but do not look at them. The result of this should be like love – completely random and unexpected.

Next, hold the cards for a long distance in your hands and tear the four cards in half. Just like broken-hearted couples, they rip photos of themselves with their loved ones in half. Here you are.

Now place the remaining left hand pieces on top of the right, or the right pieces on top of the left. As Woody Aragon says, this is the thing about love. He doesn’t care about politics.

You should have a small “surface” of the pieces. Cut it out and complete it. Since the couple “breaks” their bond when you break off the relationship, you’ll do the same here.

Next, make a small fan by cutting the card in your left hand. Take the top three pieces with your right hand and place them somewhere in the middle.

Tie everything up. Now take the top piece. Don’t look at him. Just put it aside in your pocket or purse. Almost like a lover does, keeping a picture of their love close to them.

Make a fan again. Take the top piece and loosen it in the middle of the fan. Do this again in two pieces if you wish. again if you feel like it. As Woody Aragon says, “This is what happens when men try to understand women, they always end up getting lost!”

Now let’s make this really complicated (not all relationships?). Take the top piece into three pieces and either lose it in the middle of the fan, or just throw it away.

Now I am writing this as I am writing this. There is no way that anyone who reads it will know what cards you have and what you have thrown or lost.

My point is that you cut, mixed and mixed the pieces in the middle of the stack, and you totally messed everything up. If you are a man, this is a common occurrence in your relationships. If you’re a woman reading this, I hope you’ve got a touch of empathy for what the men in your life experience.

Now we want to prepare ourselves for a week full of love, luck, whatever it is you want. So take the top piece of the card and move it to the bottom. Start with ‘Sunday’, and finish counting on ‘Saturday’.

We’ve now pushed ourselves through a week of messy, broken, broken, mixed, and lost relationships. So the only thing that can bring us back from salvation is the picture in our pocket and the love in our life, right?

Take the first piece on your pile, and say “She/he loves me,” **put it to the bottom. Now take the second piece, say “She doesn’t love me”, and ignore that damned one! I started, non-loving demons!

Keep saying “She loves me (put it down)”, “She doesn’t love me (bow aside)” until you have one piece in your hands.

Take it now, take the half you put in your pocket later, and put the two halves together. One of two things happen.

  1. our end! The half of the card you saved matches the half of the card in your hand. You will be lucky or smitten next year!
  2. The two halves don’t match? Then I think you’re stupid who can’t follow directions, and you’ll die alone, unloved, and you’ll never win in life.

happy Friday everyone! I hope you enjoyed this short interlude of magic, and put a smile on your face. No matter how much your week went by, at least you were able to follow the instructions and get lucky or love this year!

Unless you don’t follow directions.

Anyway, we’ll see you next week!

*With love and apologies to Spaniard Woody Aragon, who first created this and from whom Ben and Teller culturally appropriated the routine.

**Used here once to be unisex. We do not judge Friday Funny.

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